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Lord Carlile announces split from “boring” justice

Lord Carlisle recently announced his firm decision to split away from traditional notions of justice, declaring that he now finds the foundations of British law, which he committed to as a young man, to be “boring”.

Under his proposed laws, tired and outdated ideals such as living our lives as a strong, free and united nation would be retired. In their place, there will be a new policy of splurging out on fancy new technology with more superficial appeal. Lord Carlile is joined by a tiny number of fellow peers in the belief that their sheer self-regard will overcome the mathematical impossibility that less secure infrastructure will produce a more secure country.

Despite historical evidence suggesting that a desire to keep tabs on every citizen is the sign of an insecure nation with a tendency to poor economic judgement and unnecessary war, the group of Lords are confident that it is different when people like them do it.

“It’s ridiculous that anyone might suggest I have lost my respect for justice,” said Lord Carlile. “Why, only the other day my friend Lord Rennard was accused of sexual harassment, and I absolutely insisted on due process. By ensuring there was no hearing at which any uppity young woman could present evidence, I’m sure the fine gentlemen surrounding me in the House of Lords will agree that justice was delivered exactly how we like it.”

Lord King joined Lord Carlile in proudly stating he is no longer a man in tune with the world: “I am not prone to speaking with other kinds of people, but we’ve got a telegraph machine. Somebody tried to explain to me what a type writer is, what a fax machine is. My lords, I don’t know about them, but what is absolutely clear is that the terrorists and jihadists do.”

Recent terrorist attacks such as the Lee Rigby murder and the Charlie Hebdo slaughter were carried out by perpetrators already known to security forces. Such cases have made national news of the blindingly obvious truth that security forces are stretched thin just using their existing surveillance powers. In a bold move to over-compensate, leading figures such as wannabe Prime Minister Boris Johnson are keen to widen the net to include any young man experiencing sexual frustration as a potential terrorist.

The Lords are thought to be considering an amendment affecting all mothers who have concerns about the unmarried status of male offspring. A new programme, funded by a PFI agreement with Match.com, will require that they report their child’s movements to the local police station. Young women are also being advised to avoid young men they suspect to be “literally wankers”, as part of a new public safety campaign entitled “Stay Safe – Stay Celibate”.

The small group of Lords are undaunted by the repeated failure of their ideas in both Houses of Parliament. As Lord Carlile says, “People will be forced to be more secure within themselves once they have a state-funded guarantee that neither their banker, their lawyer nor their priest will be able to speak to them in confidence.”

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